• Stephen

I Say "I Love You," and it's Getting Me in Trouble

I try to say I love you a lot. I kick it with an “I love you” crew.

Lots of hugs, and “I love you”-s as we part ways.


It’s a very easy way to show somebody that they’re important,

And you don’t know when a mother fucker needs to hear it.

I say I love you so that people can feel… loved.


But where that doesn’t fly… is on dating apps.

Because from the moment you show any sexual attraction to another human being

until the time that your souls are intertwined for the rest of your life,

you can’t say I love you to that one person.

If i buy fruit from a lady on the side of the street, and tell her I love her - No one bats an eye.

But if she bats her eyelashes at me, and then I say “I love you?”

Well I’ve got to raise her children - We’re a family now.


People believe there to be so much commitment behind the words “I love you.”

I had this girl message me on Bumble.

She wrote the first question:

“What are you doing to improve the lives of others on a daily basis?”

That’s a loaded question, but I’m about that “Be the change you want to see,” shit.

So I let her know:

“I tell everybody that I love them.”

She wrote back “Ew.”

And then she blocked me.


It’s unfair because the “L word” makes people so uncomfortable,

but I say it all the time….

If I have a great show, and the audience is hot -

I’ll say, “Thank you so much everybody! I love you!” And then I’ll get off stage.

If the server comes, and he brings me extra bread, and I didn’t even ask for extra bread…

“Mother fucker, I LOVE YOU. Olive oil?! How did you know dawg?!”

But if the girl that I just started hooking up with; she makes me a cake, and it’s my favorite cake.

“Red Velvet? How did you know?

That is so… kind and thoughtful.

I love… that you did that!

But I only like you. Don’t get it twisted!

I only like you...


It’s a linguistic issue really… There’s no gradient between like and love in English.

The Greek have five different words for love.

And our basic ass language can’t discern between my affection for Capri Sun and the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And I fuckin love Capri Sun!

I love it! But I don’t want to start a family with Capri Sun.

I don’t want a joint bank account with Capri Sun.

I just want to put my mouth on its dribble hole.

That’s that dribble-hole-mouth-love we’ve all been known to indulge in.

That feeling of comfort you get when Strawberry Kiwi juices dribble down your chin.

Is that not love?

“I don’t know what words to use to describe my feelings for you.

I just want to put my straw in your perforated pouch.

What’s that called?”


What’s wild is we as a society have deemed it more intimate to say I love you than eat ass.

And we are more comfortable talking about the latter with our friends too!

If we’re in bed, and I slip a finger in your butthole, and you’re not into it, you may give me a slap on the wrist - End of conversation.

But if I let the L Word slip, and you’re not into it, you may leave and never come back.


I was hooking up with this girl for a month or so.

I brought her to my friend’s house party.

That’s a big step in the relationship process - introducing a girl to your friends.

She had a great time with everyone and seeing that made my heart full.


I had to leave early for a show, and I left her with my friends.

I’m hugging and saying my goodbyes

and on the way out,

I yelled into the room; “I love you all so much. Have a wonderful night!”

I closed the door and quickly understood the mistake I had made.

My girl was in there!

So I swung the door back open to right my wrong, and screamed:

“Everyone please quiet down, and let me clarify! Babe, can you move over there…

You ALL collectively [pointing at everyone at the party except for Babe]

I love YOU.

[pointing at Babe]

You I only like.

You give my butterflies when you walk into a room, and you make me want to be a better person.

I only like that.

You, Frank, taking a beer bong off the counter. I fuckin love you dawg!

Babe - I can’t wait to see you later tonight, at our shared apartment, where we can snuggle up on the couch with the dog we got together.

Because that’s what you do with someone you like.


I told this joke on stage in front of a girl who I was kinda crushing on.

That night, I brought her home, and we… we did the sex.

And afterwards she kissed me, looked me in the eyes, and said, “I love you.”

And I realized… I’m all talk.

It’s pretty weird when you say it.

I couldn’t get out of bed fast enough.


I realized how hypocritical I am. Because I want to say I love you, and spread love,

But when you say it to me, I become very suspicious of your intentions.


I don’t even like it when a girl I’m seeing uses the word “we” too much.

She tells one of my friends at the bar:

“Haha, we’ve been watching Stranger Things, and just don’t get the plot.”

Ummm I fully comprehended Stranger Things, and until you can understand the concept of interdimensional space monsters, without pausing mid episode to ask questions, we can’t identify as a joint entity!


Anyway, I say I love you a lot, and I’d rather nobody said it back to me until I’m ready.

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