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  • Writer's pictureStephen Campbell

You Will Be Cambridge Analytica-ed Again

Updated: Jan 26, 2022

Everyone is going to get Cambridge Analytica-ed again. Somehow we are not going to see it coming, and then when we find out that we were Cambridge Analytica-ed we’re going to become livid with whomever let it happen.

We are going to request Senate hearings and we may even make Facebook posts about how mad we are that the New Cambridge Analytica, Cambridge Analytica-ed us. The emotional posts about getting Got by the New Cambridge Analytica will give New Cambridge Analytica more data to Got you again. This cycle will persist.

Some of us are going to make a heart-felt post about how the other side is responsible for the crumbling of democracy. We will base the information off of an article someone Cambridge Analytica-ed to us earlier in the day.

When we bring the article up at dinner with friends, another friend may ask where we found that article, and we may get annoyed with the question, because that is when we will realize…. We may have been Cambridge Analytica-ed again.

It’s embarrassing; because I want to think of myself as a creature of infinite freewill, but a computer with five thousand data points on me has determined I am influenceable. A computer has determined how to bait me into stoking the flames of TMZ politics, and fables.

Yesterday I shared a status on Facebook about the Amazon burning down. Some incendiary talk directed at climate change deniers may have been included in the post.

After reading a New York Times article, it became apparent that this is a common level of fire in the region, due to farming practices.

To be clear, deforestation for soy and meat production is a real issue, which should be addressed, but there were way more fires in 2017 and 2003, without any international outrage. The timing of the attention seems very peculiar.

If we continue to use Facebook, then we continue to open ourselves up to the next Cambridge Analytica. Either stop using the platform or begin playing the opposite game on Facebook.

I now start every day with a post about how the two most cancerous members of our society are Golden Retriever puppies and people pursuing their dreams.

That way New Cambridge Analytica will send inspiring stories of children overcoming the odds, and puppy pow wows all day, in the hopes of making me angry.

I will then repost those clips with ambiguous text like “America used to mean something...” And New Cambridge Analytica will keep feeding me them puppy pics.

Then I will be sideswiped by a second presidential term, because my echo chamber will be full of love, while yours bombards you with reasons to keep a meat cleaver under your pillow.

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