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  • Writer's pictureStephen Campbell

Ghosts Are Being Automated Out of Relevancy

Updated: Jan 26, 2022

I hosted a show in DC a couple weeks back, and the old Russian lady who owned the joint - who looked like she had eaten all the caviar in Chernobyl - commented aloud:

“We have ghosts!”

I was shocked for a variety of reasons.

First - No one was talking about ghosts!

She walked into the room, stood in the back with her head cocked, and waited for a moment of silence… which, when I’m hosting, does not come frequently.

She was a haunted velociraptor who only knew how to speak when it was least appropriate.

Then she told us about the ghosts! Why are ghosts on the forefront of the cranium?

Did you just interact with a ghost? Is there a ghost behind you on the stairs? Did the ghost tell you to say that? Am I supposed to give the ghost a shout out?

What really rattled me, is no one seemed to care.

There’s a fucking ghost, but you can’t be bothered to feign interest!? When I was growing up, we would tell ghost stories with flashlights in our faces. We would get scared out of our gourd, but we’ve become so jaded...

No one cares about ghosts anymore.

It’s these fuckin screens.

If you’re a ghost, and you write something scary in post-shower mirror steam,

you’d assume a person, who is stepping out of the shower, would look at your work immediately.

There was a time when a ghost artisan could be proud of his work; where he could see how it affected people.

But shower time away from your phone is like holding your breath.

The first thing we’ve got to do is check for DM’s.

By the time we start the post-shower routine of moisturizing and brushing our teeth,

the steam has dissipated, and the ghost’s work is ignored.

Technology is doing away with the utility of ghosts. I met a ghost in New Orleans named Victoria.

She was an old timey madame, who ran a brothel out of a hotel. All ghosts are old timey, but she had this classic charisma about her. In her prime, she was the boss!

After death she was relegated to turning faucets off and on in the hotel bathrooms. While it wasn’t all she aspired to be, she was good at turning faucets, and sending shivers down the spines of all who entered. It gave her pride to be part of something - to be making an impact.

Everyone knew her hotel was haunted. Then the Marriott bought the hotel.

The first thing they did? Convert all traditional faucets into automatic faucets.

No one is scared when an automatic faucet goes on all by itself. That could just be a technological issue.

Victoria was automated out of a job she’d been doing for 150 years. What’s a ghost to do? We can’t teach her to code.

Anyway, that’s why I’m voting for Andrew Yang.

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