I can’t stop thinking about how many followers I’d get on Tik Tok if I got coronavirus. If I posted about it in my feed, people would be incredibly supportive.
“You’re going to kick this virus in the butt!”
Because Tik Tok people build each other up...
This obese dude started a Tik Tok account. He didn’t tell his family about it, but aimed to share his transformation with millions of social audience members.
His first Tik Tok: He’s sobbing into the mirror, with his phone in front of his face, as he laments about his body image issues.
I’m an old school YouTube cat - “A chicken sandwich and some waffle fries!” - type dude. So I figured everyone was going to dismantle this poor boy in the comments section.
Sometimes I’m drawn to things I know are going to make me sad online. I’m a digital masochist, so I zoomed right into the comments section - expecting the worst, but saw nothing but support… People were encouraging the shit out of this kid!
Fitness accounts were reaching out, saying they’d offer him free workout advice.
People were rooting for him in every corner of the globe, and sincerely wished him well.
When you get likes and comments on Instagram or Facebook it activates your dopamine receptors. We get addicted to the feeling, and that’s why we can't shake social media addiction.
Imagine what constant words of affirmation on Tik Tok do to your mo fuggin neuro-sphere!
That’s a high you’ll be chasing forever.
What happens when that guy isn’t fat enough for people to care? What happens when he’s middle of the road chubby? Social media is all about seeing and doing things quickly, and getting that un-fat is a long task. Will social audiences have the stamina to care about him that long? What will that do to his dopamine habit when they drop off?
If he’s in a pinch; really needing that dopamine drip…. There is no better way to get supportive comments (or lose weight) than to get you some coronavirus babyyyy!
It is trending hard right now, and has made an appearance in ninety nine countries!
What better way to go viral than to go viral yourhttps://www.theguardian.com/technology/2020/apr/26/how-coronavirus-helped-tiktok-find-its-voiceself?!
Fuck Pitbull - You’d be the new Mr. Worldwide!
There would be a #goviralforviralchallenge and teenagers would sneeze in each other’s mouths to Lil Nas X songs
You’re like, “What?!? Kids would never do that for online clout!”
And then you remember Tide Pods.
If I would have said the words “People are getting coronavirus to gain clout on Tik Tok,” in 2018, you would rightfully believe I was having a stroke.
Two years ago, saying those exact words together would be akin to,
“The Heineking is in charge of all the Bleep Bloops!”
“You’re scaring the children Stan!”
“People must know that the Heineking is dangerous! The news has to cover this nonstop, and everyone must carry Purell!”
As people are willfully infecting themselves in the #goviralforviralchallenge You will be inundated with a Tik Tok feed full of sick people giving tips to kick the flu,
and different mask designs…
Campbell’s Soup is going to get into the mix -
Donovan McNabb’s mom will appear on the screen…
“When my baby boy has cold sweats and dysentery, I serve him up some mmm-mmm good Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup to fill him up right!”
Donovan McNabb, removing his surgical mask...
“Mom! What are you doing here? I’m at the doctor’s!”
*** I'm making all sorts of intergenerational references in this post! ***
Meanwhile, they’re killing off a whole generation of people... The young immune system seems to be pretty resilient to the coronavirus, to the point that some youngins don’t know they are carrying, and can transfer it.
“Do you kiss your grandmother with that mouth!?”
A phrase that was once used to address profane language, must now be added into the lexicon to retard the spread of a disease.
CDC: "Don’t kiss your grandmother until things clear up."
We don’t know when this will stop. The disease affects older men, and Tulsi Gabbard is the only one still kickin who can also kick this flu. I’d happily take her over our other two senile options.
I have made my coronavirus predictions. Now let’s see where the chips fall!
I will check back in when everyone gets better.
I LOVE YOU AND BE SAFE OUT THERE!