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2020 - If You Don't Have Netflix, You Don't Have Friends

Updated: Mar 29, 2022

A friend told me about a podcast, where they talk you through whittling wood. He’s listened to six episodes.

I asked him if it was any good.

He said “Eh.”

I still listened to the whole load!

My personal requirement to contribute to conversation at a later date tramples my ability to manage time effectively.

I listen to podcasts solely to broaden my conversation keeping capabilities.

I’m a busy person, who diligently regiments my own time, but I’ll carve six hours out of my schedule for a wood-working podcast...

Outside of seventh grade wood shop, I’ve never had to whittle. I have no desire to work with wood. Carpentry is for Jesus, and doomsday preppers who don’t want anyone to know their bunker blueprints.

But, no one ever discusses if Jesus was a good carpenter. Carpenter seems back then what podcaster is today. If I put a book under the leg of a wobbly kitchen table, I’m a carpenter. If I Google information on heirloom tomatoes with my roommate and a microphone for forty-five minutes, I’m a podcaster.

And while I scoff at doomsday preppers, I do it in a way a cool kid makes fun of a valedictorian for getting their college essays in on time. Deep down, I know I should be doing the same, but even if I make it to that level, I don’t think I’m cut out for the lifestyle, and quite honestly,

I’d rather stick around and struggle with my druggy friends, then pursue a life barren of joy or new experiences.

I have a mighty desire to contribute to conversation. Do I want to listen to NPR’s Planet Money? Absolutely not.

In the off chance I am speaking politics with someone from India; do I want to demonstrate my understanding of Indian currency manipulation to curb black market cash circulation?

You bet your sweet ass I do!

Ooo baby! The look someone gives me when I know an incredibly niche fact about logging is worth the thousands of wasted hours.

A lot of us haven’t dealt with legal proceedings but understand a lot about the system because of Law and Order, And I know a lot about pineal root structures, and how they communicate with other trees because of Hidden Brain. I'd love to sit down with an arborist.

It’s the only reason I have Netflix. I watch all my shows with a notebook and pen.

Because I’ll schedule an unneeded root canal over a party full of “Did you see…” conversations I cannot engage in.

Nodding blankly while friends earnestly talk about wizards drives me to welcome World War Three with open arms.

Do you think I want to watch The Witcher? I thought Game of Thrones was behind us.

I thought I would be able to rekindle old friendships I lost after a Carol treated the Red Murder like a massacre she personally witnessed while hiding under a table.

I thought we could go back to talking about things that actually happened to us.

Managing your Netflix consumption has become synonymous with managing your relationships.

The holidays were rough….

“Oh you’re just getting around to Stranger Things? That’s cute. How about you go sit at the kid’s table. The adults are talking about interdimensional monsters you pussy.”

My mom is such a ball buster.

We all just want to connect; both to a person and a modem.

Now the two are inextricably linked.

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